You're so beautiful.

I know you don't want to leave here to go back to the place you're from, so don't you worry about a thing. You lay still while I do all the work. We can't stay, but while we have time, let's make it worth it. I see you there with your armour and your make believe army, but I still see you. Your forged beliefs mean nothing to me. I wish you could see what I see. See that you're ridiculous guard is keeping your heart from everyone including yourself. Lay your defenses down, and be here now. Show me who you are behind it all. Because no matter what you've convinced yourself of, I'm not running. I'm here standing still in front of you with my heart in my palm and my arms spread wide. Patiently. And I know they'll say it's wrong for us to love and speak the way we do, but that won't stop me anyhow. It's you. It's been you all along. And when the moment finally comes that they attack, we may be bare but we'll be prepared. And no apologies will be made because happiness will be our true defeat. I know that with you next to me, we can stand strong together. But for now, lay your defenses down and be here now

My wonderland.

Sometimes I feel so small, and sometimes I'm confused. Sometimes I start fights, and sometimes I get hurt. But I'm a girl with my entire life ahead of me. I'm fan of the stars and pretty sunsets. I'm in love with everyone I meet. I'll give you a chance even if I don't have one myself. I'll love you for your accomplishments, but I'll love you more for you imperfections. I can barely stand on my own two feet and I fall over myself, but I'll make sure to stand long enough to hold you up. I'm always too hot, or too cold. I don't want to shake your hand and say "pleasure to meet you.", I want to give you a hug and tell you how beautiful you are. I like flowers in my hair, skirts and bare feet. When the wind is blowing, I want to dance with it. And when it rains, I always make sure to find the BIGGEST puddles to jump in. I like to curl my hair and paint my nails. And every time I see a rainbow, my breath gets taken away. I may be small, and I may be quiet, but I am alive and I am happy for whatever that's worth.

I can hear the truck tires coming up the gravel road
And its not like her to drive that slow,
Nothin's on the radio
Footsteps on the front porch, I hear my doorbell
She usually comes right in, now I can tell

Here comes goodbye, here comes the last time
Here comes the start of every sleepless night
The first of every tear I'm gonna cry
Here comes the pain,
Here comes me wishing things had never changed
That she was right here in my arms tonight,
But here comes goodbye

I can hear her say I love you like it was yesterday
And I can see it written on her face that she had never felt this way
One day I thought I'd see her with her daddy by her side
And violins would play here comes the bride

But here comes goodbye, here comes the last time
Here comes the start of every sleepless night
The first of every tear I'm gonna cry
Here comes the pain, Here comes me wishing things had
That she was right here in my arms tonight,
But here comes goodbye

Why does it have to go from good to gone?
Before the lights turn on, yeah and you're left alone
Oh, all alone,
But here comes goodbye

Here's to goodbyes.

I promised I'd be strong, but how much longer will I have to bite my tongue?
You've let me down, you've hurt me.
I'm sitting here staring at the door, just praying you'll surprise me and walk through it. I'm wasting all my time thinking about this. But I don't know if I have the strength to walk away.. even though everything inside of me is telling me to.

Do I stand up and take the blows so you can feel some relief? It's one empty promise after another, and I'm breaking.

It wasn't supposed to be this way! We were supposed to be happy, inseperable.
And now it's just... this.

When you whisper you love me, your eyes say the same.

When you call me,
When I see you walk through the door,
When you look at me with those eyes,
When you reach for my hand,
When you pull me closer,
When you say my name,
When you tell me I'm beautiful,
When you hold me,
When you lift my head up and kiss me,
When you touch me,
When you laugh,
When we cook together,
When you joke with me,
When we wrestle,
When we watch the stars,
When we go on walks,
When we lay together listening to music,
When we sleep,
When I'm just about to fall asleep and I feel you roll over and whisper "I love you."
When you turn "gangsta" on me,
When you're with me,
I can feel it from my head to my toes that I am so entirely in love with you.

If you're wondering.

If you're wondering, this is me. I am human, I make mistakes. Oh, but I'm in love. I'd do anything and everything to keep calling you mine. To keep you around. So if you're wondering, I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere. I'll stand here tall with my feet on the ground, I'll be brave and tough and I won't let you see how much control you have over me. So if you're wondering, I love you more than you could ever know.

Here's to you.

If for one second the thought crosses your stupid little mind that I don't know what is happening here, think again.

Special for the day: Broken heart with a side of gut wrenching remorse.

Don't tell me you're just like the rest of them.

Finally.

You are the very breath I breathe.
You're kiss is my sanity.
You're embrace is my sanctuary.
You're heart is my heaven.
You're eyes are my everything.

You are who I long for. You are the love I've been looking for. You are the faith that I lost. You are the hope I believe in. You are my hero. You are who I dream for. You are who I smile for. You are everything to me. Saying "I love you" has never been so exciting as it is when I say it to you. I'm never one to stick around but for you I'd stay until my very last breath. I've never been one to trust someone but with you, you have it all. I've never been one to believe in starting over, but somehow you have taken all the wrong I've done in my life and wiped my slate clean. All of my fears and all of my insecurities won't hold me back from giving you my heart. I'm ready to give this all I have. No matter what the cost. Even if you break my heart, I'll never regret taking a chance on you. Being with you means having the whole world and all of the happiness in it at my fingertips.

"I don't want to deny my heart it's chance to feel. I don't want to deny my soul something real."
I LOVE YOU.
This I know for sure.

In the works.

You're gone. Well, you have been for a few weeks now. I've felt like I haven't been able to breathe since the funeral. Everyone tries to talk to me, I just don't want to hear anyone's voice. Not unless it's yours but I know I'm breaking my own heart by believing I'll be able to one day. Yesterday was the first time I got out of bed in a week. I didn't make it very far before I started to feel the weight of everything again and climbed right back into bed. I thought I'd try again today. I could hear the rain outside and it made me think of the day that we became "us". It was raining that day, too. I remember I ran out the door barefoot and started dancing in the driveway. You watched me jump in all the puddles and twirl around, getting soaked. You laughed and ran out to me. I could have sworn we were the only two people in the world that day. It felt like hours that we played before you pulled me inside. You grabbed my hand and led me to the bathroom... You started a warm shower for me. I remember exactly how your skin felt as you undressed me. Your lips were so soft, the moment was so perfect. You washed my hair and once we were all clean you wrapped me up in a towel. I don't know if I've ever smiled that big in my whole entire life. You pulled me into you and whispered "save that smile for me..." in my ear. I loved you then, you know. I stood in the doorway and watched the rain fall, thinking about it all. I closed my eyes and I swear I could still feel you right there with me. I took a deep breath and I ran out into the road and I danced and twirled around for you. I hope you were watching. I wish I could close my eyes, count to 3, and you would still be here. I thought about coming to be with you... where you are. And then I got scared that where you are doesn't exist, then I'd lose your memory forever. So I'll stay right here in hopes that you are up there watching me. And on every rainy day, I'll jump and twirl around for you and look for every puddle. I promise I'll never forget you. I promise I will think of you and every perfect day we spent together. You promised you'd never leave me... I hope you meant that. I pray to God that you're watching over me, now. Everyone says that time heals all wounds, so if that day ever comes where I stop hurting... I hope you're looking because I will smile. Because I've been saving it for you.

Go on little girl.

"Still too young to fail, too scared to sail away. But one of these days, I'll grow old and I'll grow brave."

For as long as I can remember, I have had the kind of people in my life who are my hawks. They watch my every move, they criticize and judge and hate. They are the people who hold me back and tie me down. The ones who say "No, you can't." So I curl back into my shell and hide until someone tells me that maybe I can do something.. And then once again, shoot back inside of myself as soon as there's a chance of failure. But I'm learning that I have never given myself permission to live. I am always seeking the permission from someone or other to tell me it's "safe enough" to put my feet in the waters. But not all the way! Just for a test dip.

I don't want to live that way anymore. I want to do what I want to do, when I want to do it. I want to jump in feet first and if I fail, then I will fail. But how will I ever know where my life is going to take me or what my grand plan is if I don't? I won't. I will be stuck in my shell for the rest of my days, miserable.

This is my life. This is my heart. My feelings, my dreams, my goals, my accomplishments, my failures. They are all mine. No one can take those away from me anymore.

I am learning to be strong and I am learning to be brave, and although it has taken me so long to understand what this means, there is no better time than now to start living my own life.

Thank you to everyone who doubts me and fears for me. Because you have given me an opportunity to wave my middle finger in the air and say "Yes! I can."

I will take chances, I will fail and I will succeed, I will learn to love and learn to trust. And all of this is OK.

I AM ok.

A story about the power of true love.

He couldn't quite wrap his head around it.

Why hasn't she written? He thought.
He was in jail and she wrote to him daily of her love for him. She never failed to make him feel like it would all be okay. At the end of every letter she wrote, there were red lipstick stains from where she would kiss the page for him. He hadn't recieved anything for 2 weeks. His heart was aching. Her words were the only thing that made his days worth living.
Maybe she forgot about me? Maybe she found someone new?
His head was filled with questions and doubts. He laid in bed that night with his eyes wide open. He tried so hard to fall asleep so he wouldn't feel the burning in his chest. And then something hit him. It was like an overwhelming wave of complete and utter devastation. His heart was bursting and he wept and wept. He felt a part of his soul leave him. His body went numb and everything in his cell seemed colder than it ever had. He knew something happened to her.
He finally fell asleep and when he woke up he had a vague memory of the dream he had. It was her. He closed his eyes tightly and tried to keep that image fresh, but it soon faded. He couldn't breathe. Days went by and he still felt nothing. The guards would come and bring his food and he would wave his hands at them to take it away. He couldn't even speak. By the fourth day of feeling so empty and still not having heard a word from her, he got down on his knee's. This was something he hadn't done since he was a child. But he bowed his head and clenched his sheets and prayed to God that she was ok. He felt something brush against his shoulder and he quickly jolted. He jumped back onto his feet and saw her standing there. He lost all control of his body and collapsed on the floor, but he didn't take his eyes off of her. She knelt down beside him clutching his hands.
She whispered in his ear.
I had to leave you.
He screamed with all he had inside of him.
NOOO!
Tears were streaming down his face.
She got closer once again and told him how her body on earth was sick. How God needed her now. The softness in her voice was enough to stop his entire world from spinning. Everything went still and silent. His voice was quivering and he begged her not to go.
Please stay! Please.. I need you more than I
need the air I breathe. I need you..I... please.. He begged.
She kissed his cheek and told her she loved him more than he knew. She promised to wait for him. He tried to wipe the tears out of his eyes so he could see her clearly, but she soon started to disappear. He couldn't feel her hands. He couldn't hear her voice. And within seconds, she was gone. Months passed and he still wouldn't speak. He was admitted into a hospital where he could be put on an IV so he could have the nutrition his body needed since he couldn't eat. He became very ill. The doctors asked him if he had any family they could contact for him and for the first time since the night he saw her, he spoke.
She was my family. He said.
Within hours he was gone.

According to greek mythology, Zeus originally created humans with four arms, four legs, and two faces. Over time, Zeus began to fear their power and split them in two, condemning them to spend their lives searching for the other half to complete them. She was the other half of his soul. When she left, he couldn't survive.

She kept her promise. She was waiting for him with her arms open wide. They were finally together again.

To the moon and back babe..

"Within you, I lose myself. Without you I find myself wanting to become lost again."
-Anonymous

I can still feel you if I close my eyes really tight. I just wish I could open my eyes and see you next to me. It helps me to fall asleep if I pretend that you are. I know you didn't mean to leave, but it hurts just the same. I can't wait for the day that I can run as fast as I can and jump into your arms. I won't ever want to let go. I dream about that moment. I can see you twirling me around and I can hear all the words we left unspoken when you first went away.

"There is no such word as "loved". Love has no past tense. If you ever stop loving someone, then you never truly loved them in the first place."

And everything in between...

Why do we do this to ourselves? How is it that we can put our entire world and all of our power in the palm of a man? Women today are successful, brilliant, beautiful. Yet half of them are willing to throw it all away to chase a fairytale.
6 years ago this month was the beginning of it all for me. My own demise that I created in the eyes of a 15 year old boy. I had heard all the warnings, I was told to be careful. But like everyone else that has ever believed in love, I wiped my slate clean of any precautions that could have saved me from many, many years of heartache. And now, in my 20's, and I've already given up on it all.

You're the only song I hear in this great wondering mess in my ears.

When is the right time to let someone in? After a week, after 6 dates, after 4 years? When do we really know someone enough to trust that they won't hurt us? I have absolutely no idea how to answer my own questions and when I think about it all I feel so suffocated. But something about this man makes it easy to breathe. I'm not the easiest person to love. I'm timid and insecure sometimes. And sometimes I can be completely out of control. I'm not typically one that likes to be tied down. Even when I feel tied down I'm still keeping my eye out and my options open. But when he is here, I can't see far enough past "us" to even recognize or remember that there is a world outside. It's so strange to be around someone and just be nice to eachother. It is such a different feeling to be appreciated and adored. He let's me laugh over everything and cry over nothing. I tell him what I want to do and he never complains. I walk out of the shower with my hair dripping wet and mascara running down my face and the first thing he does when he see's me is walk up to me, squeeze me tight and tell me how beautiful I am. I don't know what we are doing. I don't know if we are anything at all, but I do know that he is making it easier and easier for me to let my guard down a little more each time I see him.

It's these things that hold you down.

Having a broken heart hurts. But the pain is no better or worse knowing you're breaking someone else's heart. However, when it comes to my life, it's all in my hands. My happiness, my safety...I know better now than to leave my most precious feelings in the hands of someone who won't take care of them.

For all the ones that are true.

This one is for everyone in my life that has shown up for me. Whether it's being the shoulder I can lean on when I'm down, or coming to visit me while I'm stuck in a hospital bed, or even just for loving me.

Thank you for everything that you all have done for me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being there for me whenever I need you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Logic over love means happily never after.

How in the world, as human beings, is it possible for us to disguise every emotion that we have? If we're happy with someone, we're scared to show it because it might come off as "needy". If we aren't happy with someone, we play it off because it's too scary to think of being alone. And when we are alone, no one would ever know how lonely we felt. No wonder communication is the hardest part of relationships. If we could all just show how we felt then there wouldn't be any guessing. And for all of us that do this, what about our partners? They're living their life thinking everything is ok, and then all of the sudden we blind side them and surprise! It's not going to work out. And what about love? When to say it, when not to. I have no problem speaking the words, my problem is actually feeling what those words mean. I have gone through the motions of being in relationships for years. I do what I'm told because I thought that's how it was supposed to be. Of course I know that we are all looking for happiness and our fairytale endings, but I never believed it was real. I thought we were all just supposed to suffice. And when I think about all of my past relationships, especially the one that brought me the closest to marriage, that's exactly what I was doing. Settling. I was never truly, honestly happy nor in love with them. Getting out of the relationship was the only time I ever felt free. And to think I almost changed my name for a man who made me absolutely miserable. But after I got out, my stubborn little self said "screw you" to the lessons I learned the first time around, and thought "hmm, maybe this time..it's actually going to work." Turns out, the joke was on me. So now, this new man has come into my life. He is the kind of man that makes me weak, he makes me laugh, he makes me nervous and excited all at the same time. It's petrifying, yet so enticing. For the first time in my years of pointless dating, I felt something that I think might have resembled "love". But as soon as I let my guard down enough for that feeling to slip in, I hit it right back out into the field and locked my whole heart up again. Surprisingly, he didn't run. He watched me shoot back into my shell faster than he could even get a word in, and he's still standing in front of me waiting patiently for the day I can poke my head out of the turtle shell and give him the opportunity we both know he deserves.

Men, they are my worst enemies and my best friends all at the same time.

Dream for me.

Somewhere deep in my sleep last night, I must have been coherent enough to be aware of my surroundings because the dream I was having was so realistic that even the stuff that was literally going on, was happening in my dream. And when I woke up, I was so upset that I tried to fall back asleep just so I could finish my dream. (Even though that never happens.)
The funny thing is when this "person" in my dream came up to me, I said "This isn't real, you're not really here. It's all a dream." and he convinced me that it was real. So I believed him, unfortunately. :(

I guess the good news is, my dream was beautiful.

It was sweet enough to give me something to get me by.
I wish I could dream of that every time I slept.

"If I weren't really here, would I be able to cradle you in my arms the way I am now?"

Strange apologies.

"I can't forget you. I know you want me to want you, I want to. But I can't forgive you."

This line says everything I wish I could say to you and it's everything you deserve to hear for whatever closure you're still looking for. I can swear on everything that's holy that I didn't/don't want to hurt you. But honestly, what did you expect me to do?

Did you ever get sick of having to say "I'm sorry"?
Because I got tired of hearing it.
Did it ever exhaust you to keep up with all your lies?
Because it was exhausting to me.
Did you ever once think of the one you had waiting for you at home?
No, I honestly don't think you did.

I care about you and I always will.
But I literally have no room left for loving you.
A part of me wishes that we could forget this all and start over. Just go back to the beginning when nothing in the world could have kept us apart. But the rest of me is jumping for joy wanting to give myself a high five for CHOOSING out of a situation that wasn't healthy.
After a point, I didn't want to come home from work.
I would drive and extra couple miles just to breathe.

I know this is terrible, but for my own selfish reasons I thank God you made that last mistake because it wasn't me that was hurting you. I never left you out of spite, I just want you to know that. I left because I got tired of always wondering. I was sick of all your lies and all your secrets, I was exhausted. I wanted out, but I didn't know how to leave without feeling all the guilt from it. And I knew you would hold it against me forever if there wasn't a "justifiable" reason. So I guess in a way, all that pain was a blessing to me that came in complete disguise.
It broke my heart to find out what you were doing behind my back,
but if you hadn't done those things...We would still be chasing each other
around in circles, miserable.

I know you're apologising now and saying everything I wish you would have said back then, but it's too late for me. You didn't want me when you had the chance, and now I've moved on. You can't expect me to leave all my strength I've gained and hand over all my power to you again. It wasn't fair the first time, and I'm not dumb enough to do it again.

You will always have a spot in my heart.
(For all the positive that I won't forget.)
You're girl is out there, she's just not me.

You be the anchor that keeps my feet on the ground, I'll be the wings that keeps your heart in the clouds.

Here's to the days that one single person can't seem to stay out of every
single thought or song or place I see.
And to missing you more than words can express.
Here's to 6 months of waiting and wondering what's going to happen next.
Here's to the letter's we write and the phone calls we have.
I wish this could all just go away so you could be here now, with me.
Here's to feeling your electricity when you pull me in.
Here's to feeling your heart when you whisper to me.
Here's to laughing the hardest when you make that face.
Here's to you.
Here's to whatever the next 6 months will bring.
And here's to what will happen when it's all over.

I pray for you every night.
I pray for you when I wake up.
I think of you throughout the day.
I'm here.

It's all sugar when you're here.

Here's to the boy that can't get out of my head. The one that has come into my life for whatever reason. The one that is an angel in disguise and has no clue what kind of hold he has on me. Here's to the boy that know's what it means to be a "gentle man". Here's to you and everything you make me feel. Here's to you and for what I will never admit.

"One Man Drinking Games"

And you said it would be funny to keep me hanging in suspense
Then I'd run over to your house and I'd scale the chain link fence
That borders your back yard and then I'd climb through your window
And I'd whisper that I love you as you fall out of your clothes
And we'd lay there in the darkness like this dream of you I had
Where we captured all the fireflies and knew what time we had
Could be counted on our fingertips and that almost made you cry
you let me hold you tightly as we said all our goodbyes
May I say I loved you more
May I say I loved you more
And it must have been and hour that I clutched you in my arms
And I must have said the right things because you instantly felt warm
And you heard my heart stop beating and you wanted not to cry
As your sympathetic whispers, they told a tale of bad goodbyes
And you swore you saw me laughing and I swore I saw you smile
And this time we've spent together is meant to last us quite a while
As I take this piece of you with me, I'll carry to my grave
Knowing that for someone you're an angel sent to save
(Keep breathing my angel, if you go down I go with you)
May I say I loved you more
(Keep breathing, just keep breathing)
(Keep breathing my angel, if you go down I go with you)
May I say I loved you more
(Keep breathing, just keep breathing)
So let's drink to memories we shared
Down one for all the hopes and cares
Here's two for being unaware that you're gone
Because before too long you'll be a memory

Only the sweetest things.

"If I make you smile, if I make you think of all that's right in the world, then stay.
If you can find comfort in my eyes and seeing my face is the best part of your day, then don't be afraid what a small simple word could do.
I won't stay unless you ask me to."

How are we ever supposed to know who is going to stick around and who is just going to tear us apart? Are there really ever any signs? For me, trusting that someone is going to stick around is near impossible. I don't ever plan on forever, I plan on "until later". I've grown so comfortable in that mind set that as soon as I meet someone who I feel might have the potential to actually be true to what they say, I sabotage the relationship until they do leave. I don't ask people to stay, I don't fight for them to stick around no matter how much I wish they would. But the funny thing is, when they do leave.. After I have pushed them to the point of saying "I'm done.", I blame them. I get so angry at them for never seeing that I wanted them so badly. So the last time I was about to make one of the biggest mistakes of my life by letting this man walk right out of my life, I swallowed my pride and loosened my teeth from the tight grip I had on my tongue and said it. "Stay." That four letter word took all of the breath I had inside of me. But, surprisingly enough, as soon as the words left my lips I felt okay. I checked my pulse, my heart was still beating. So far so good. I looked up at him and I had never felt so sure of anything. I didn't know if we would work, I didn't ask him for forever. I just asked him to stay. Long enough to figure out what all of this is, long enough for us to have an "us". And it felt good.

My fear of commitment wasn't demolished by that one simple step, but it did bring me closer to something. To someone. There is never nor will there ever be a big red flashing sign in front of us with it's sirens and fireworks saying "Hey! This ones a keeper! Make sure you're good to him!". We just have to roll with the punches and follow our hearts and always hope for the best.
So if they make you smile, if they make you think of all that's still good in this world.. Ask them to stay. If you can find comfort in someones eyes and seeing their face is the best part of your day..Don't lose them over the petty stuff. Who knows, maybe we are all just programmed to leave unless we're asked not to.

Starting over.

I always have so much to say. Sometimes, it means nothing to anyone else but me. But either way, this blog is to keep me sane and keep my friends and family from killing me from talking their ears off. This is my space of complete honesty, whatever it might be about. If you don't like what I have to say, you don't have to read it. :)