Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Strange apologies.

"I can't forget you. I know you want me to want you, I want to. But I can't forgive you."

This line says everything I wish I could say to you and it's everything you deserve to hear for whatever closure you're still looking for. I can swear on everything that's holy that I didn't/don't want to hurt you. But honestly, what did you expect me to do?

Did you ever get sick of having to say "I'm sorry"?
Because I got tired of hearing it.
Did it ever exhaust you to keep up with all your lies?
Because it was exhausting to me.
Did you ever once think of the one you had waiting for you at home?
No, I honestly don't think you did.

I care about you and I always will.
But I literally have no room left for loving you.
A part of me wishes that we could forget this all and start over. Just go back to the beginning when nothing in the world could have kept us apart. But the rest of me is jumping for joy wanting to give myself a high five for CHOOSING out of a situation that wasn't healthy.
After a point, I didn't want to come home from work.
I would drive and extra couple miles just to breathe.

I know this is terrible, but for my own selfish reasons I thank God you made that last mistake because it wasn't me that was hurting you. I never left you out of spite, I just want you to know that. I left because I got tired of always wondering. I was sick of all your lies and all your secrets, I was exhausted. I wanted out, but I didn't know how to leave without feeling all the guilt from it. And I knew you would hold it against me forever if there wasn't a "justifiable" reason. So I guess in a way, all that pain was a blessing to me that came in complete disguise.
It broke my heart to find out what you were doing behind my back,
but if you hadn't done those things...We would still be chasing each other
around in circles, miserable.

I know you're apologising now and saying everything I wish you would have said back then, but it's too late for me. You didn't want me when you had the chance, and now I've moved on. You can't expect me to leave all my strength I've gained and hand over all my power to you again. It wasn't fair the first time, and I'm not dumb enough to do it again.

You will always have a spot in my heart.
(For all the positive that I won't forget.)
You're girl is out there, she's just not me.

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