Dream for me.

Somewhere deep in my sleep last night, I must have been coherent enough to be aware of my surroundings because the dream I was having was so realistic that even the stuff that was literally going on, was happening in my dream. And when I woke up, I was so upset that I tried to fall back asleep just so I could finish my dream. (Even though that never happens.)
The funny thing is when this "person" in my dream came up to me, I said "This isn't real, you're not really here. It's all a dream." and he convinced me that it was real. So I believed him, unfortunately. :(

I guess the good news is, my dream was beautiful.

It was sweet enough to give me something to get me by.
I wish I could dream of that every time I slept.

"If I weren't really here, would I be able to cradle you in my arms the way I am now?"

Strange apologies.

"I can't forget you. I know you want me to want you, I want to. But I can't forgive you."

This line says everything I wish I could say to you and it's everything you deserve to hear for whatever closure you're still looking for. I can swear on everything that's holy that I didn't/don't want to hurt you. But honestly, what did you expect me to do?

Did you ever get sick of having to say "I'm sorry"?
Because I got tired of hearing it.
Did it ever exhaust you to keep up with all your lies?
Because it was exhausting to me.
Did you ever once think of the one you had waiting for you at home?
No, I honestly don't think you did.

I care about you and I always will.
But I literally have no room left for loving you.
A part of me wishes that we could forget this all and start over. Just go back to the beginning when nothing in the world could have kept us apart. But the rest of me is jumping for joy wanting to give myself a high five for CHOOSING out of a situation that wasn't healthy.
After a point, I didn't want to come home from work.
I would drive and extra couple miles just to breathe.

I know this is terrible, but for my own selfish reasons I thank God you made that last mistake because it wasn't me that was hurting you. I never left you out of spite, I just want you to know that. I left because I got tired of always wondering. I was sick of all your lies and all your secrets, I was exhausted. I wanted out, but I didn't know how to leave without feeling all the guilt from it. And I knew you would hold it against me forever if there wasn't a "justifiable" reason. So I guess in a way, all that pain was a blessing to me that came in complete disguise.
It broke my heart to find out what you were doing behind my back,
but if you hadn't done those things...We would still be chasing each other
around in circles, miserable.

I know you're apologising now and saying everything I wish you would have said back then, but it's too late for me. You didn't want me when you had the chance, and now I've moved on. You can't expect me to leave all my strength I've gained and hand over all my power to you again. It wasn't fair the first time, and I'm not dumb enough to do it again.

You will always have a spot in my heart.
(For all the positive that I won't forget.)
You're girl is out there, she's just not me.

You be the anchor that keeps my feet on the ground, I'll be the wings that keeps your heart in the clouds.

Here's to the days that one single person can't seem to stay out of every
single thought or song or place I see.
And to missing you more than words can express.
Here's to 6 months of waiting and wondering what's going to happen next.
Here's to the letter's we write and the phone calls we have.
I wish this could all just go away so you could be here now, with me.
Here's to feeling your electricity when you pull me in.
Here's to feeling your heart when you whisper to me.
Here's to laughing the hardest when you make that face.
Here's to you.
Here's to whatever the next 6 months will bring.
And here's to what will happen when it's all over.

I pray for you every night.
I pray for you when I wake up.
I think of you throughout the day.
I'm here.

It's all sugar when you're here.

Here's to the boy that can't get out of my head. The one that has come into my life for whatever reason. The one that is an angel in disguise and has no clue what kind of hold he has on me. Here's to the boy that know's what it means to be a "gentle man". Here's to you and everything you make me feel. Here's to you and for what I will never admit.

"One Man Drinking Games"

And you said it would be funny to keep me hanging in suspense
Then I'd run over to your house and I'd scale the chain link fence
That borders your back yard and then I'd climb through your window
And I'd whisper that I love you as you fall out of your clothes
And we'd lay there in the darkness like this dream of you I had
Where we captured all the fireflies and knew what time we had
Could be counted on our fingertips and that almost made you cry
you let me hold you tightly as we said all our goodbyes
May I say I loved you more
May I say I loved you more
And it must have been and hour that I clutched you in my arms
And I must have said the right things because you instantly felt warm
And you heard my heart stop beating and you wanted not to cry
As your sympathetic whispers, they told a tale of bad goodbyes
And you swore you saw me laughing and I swore I saw you smile
And this time we've spent together is meant to last us quite a while
As I take this piece of you with me, I'll carry to my grave
Knowing that for someone you're an angel sent to save
(Keep breathing my angel, if you go down I go with you)
May I say I loved you more
(Keep breathing, just keep breathing)
(Keep breathing my angel, if you go down I go with you)
May I say I loved you more
(Keep breathing, just keep breathing)
So let's drink to memories we shared
Down one for all the hopes and cares
Here's two for being unaware that you're gone
Because before too long you'll be a memory

Only the sweetest things.

"If I make you smile, if I make you think of all that's right in the world, then stay.
If you can find comfort in my eyes and seeing my face is the best part of your day, then don't be afraid what a small simple word could do.
I won't stay unless you ask me to."

How are we ever supposed to know who is going to stick around and who is just going to tear us apart? Are there really ever any signs? For me, trusting that someone is going to stick around is near impossible. I don't ever plan on forever, I plan on "until later". I've grown so comfortable in that mind set that as soon as I meet someone who I feel might have the potential to actually be true to what they say, I sabotage the relationship until they do leave. I don't ask people to stay, I don't fight for them to stick around no matter how much I wish they would. But the funny thing is, when they do leave.. After I have pushed them to the point of saying "I'm done.", I blame them. I get so angry at them for never seeing that I wanted them so badly. So the last time I was about to make one of the biggest mistakes of my life by letting this man walk right out of my life, I swallowed my pride and loosened my teeth from the tight grip I had on my tongue and said it. "Stay." That four letter word took all of the breath I had inside of me. But, surprisingly enough, as soon as the words left my lips I felt okay. I checked my pulse, my heart was still beating. So far so good. I looked up at him and I had never felt so sure of anything. I didn't know if we would work, I didn't ask him for forever. I just asked him to stay. Long enough to figure out what all of this is, long enough for us to have an "us". And it felt good.

My fear of commitment wasn't demolished by that one simple step, but it did bring me closer to something. To someone. There is never nor will there ever be a big red flashing sign in front of us with it's sirens and fireworks saying "Hey! This ones a keeper! Make sure you're good to him!". We just have to roll with the punches and follow our hearts and always hope for the best.
So if they make you smile, if they make you think of all that's still good in this world.. Ask them to stay. If you can find comfort in someones eyes and seeing their face is the best part of your day..Don't lose them over the petty stuff. Who knows, maybe we are all just programmed to leave unless we're asked not to.

Starting over.

I always have so much to say. Sometimes, it means nothing to anyone else but me. But either way, this blog is to keep me sane and keep my friends and family from killing me from talking their ears off. This is my space of complete honesty, whatever it might be about. If you don't like what I have to say, you don't have to read it. :)