Go on little girl.

"Still too young to fail, too scared to sail away. But one of these days, I'll grow old and I'll grow brave."

For as long as I can remember, I have had the kind of people in my life who are my hawks. They watch my every move, they criticize and judge and hate. They are the people who hold me back and tie me down. The ones who say "No, you can't." So I curl back into my shell and hide until someone tells me that maybe I can do something.. And then once again, shoot back inside of myself as soon as there's a chance of failure. But I'm learning that I have never given myself permission to live. I am always seeking the permission from someone or other to tell me it's "safe enough" to put my feet in the waters. But not all the way! Just for a test dip.

I don't want to live that way anymore. I want to do what I want to do, when I want to do it. I want to jump in feet first and if I fail, then I will fail. But how will I ever know where my life is going to take me or what my grand plan is if I don't? I won't. I will be stuck in my shell for the rest of my days, miserable.

This is my life. This is my heart. My feelings, my dreams, my goals, my accomplishments, my failures. They are all mine. No one can take those away from me anymore.

I am learning to be strong and I am learning to be brave, and although it has taken me so long to understand what this means, there is no better time than now to start living my own life.

Thank you to everyone who doubts me and fears for me. Because you have given me an opportunity to wave my middle finger in the air and say "Yes! I can."

I will take chances, I will fail and I will succeed, I will learn to love and learn to trust. And all of this is OK.

I AM ok.

A story about the power of true love.

He couldn't quite wrap his head around it.

Why hasn't she written? He thought.
He was in jail and she wrote to him daily of her love for him. She never failed to make him feel like it would all be okay. At the end of every letter she wrote, there were red lipstick stains from where she would kiss the page for him. He hadn't recieved anything for 2 weeks. His heart was aching. Her words were the only thing that made his days worth living.
Maybe she forgot about me? Maybe she found someone new?
His head was filled with questions and doubts. He laid in bed that night with his eyes wide open. He tried so hard to fall asleep so he wouldn't feel the burning in his chest. And then something hit him. It was like an overwhelming wave of complete and utter devastation. His heart was bursting and he wept and wept. He felt a part of his soul leave him. His body went numb and everything in his cell seemed colder than it ever had. He knew something happened to her.
He finally fell asleep and when he woke up he had a vague memory of the dream he had. It was her. He closed his eyes tightly and tried to keep that image fresh, but it soon faded. He couldn't breathe. Days went by and he still felt nothing. The guards would come and bring his food and he would wave his hands at them to take it away. He couldn't even speak. By the fourth day of feeling so empty and still not having heard a word from her, he got down on his knee's. This was something he hadn't done since he was a child. But he bowed his head and clenched his sheets and prayed to God that she was ok. He felt something brush against his shoulder and he quickly jolted. He jumped back onto his feet and saw her standing there. He lost all control of his body and collapsed on the floor, but he didn't take his eyes off of her. She knelt down beside him clutching his hands.
She whispered in his ear.
I had to leave you.
He screamed with all he had inside of him.
NOOO!
Tears were streaming down his face.
She got closer once again and told him how her body on earth was sick. How God needed her now. The softness in her voice was enough to stop his entire world from spinning. Everything went still and silent. His voice was quivering and he begged her not to go.
Please stay! Please.. I need you more than I
need the air I breathe. I need you..I... please.. He begged.
She kissed his cheek and told her she loved him more than he knew. She promised to wait for him. He tried to wipe the tears out of his eyes so he could see her clearly, but she soon started to disappear. He couldn't feel her hands. He couldn't hear her voice. And within seconds, she was gone. Months passed and he still wouldn't speak. He was admitted into a hospital where he could be put on an IV so he could have the nutrition his body needed since he couldn't eat. He became very ill. The doctors asked him if he had any family they could contact for him and for the first time since the night he saw her, he spoke.
She was my family. He said.
Within hours he was gone.

According to greek mythology, Zeus originally created humans with four arms, four legs, and two faces. Over time, Zeus began to fear their power and split them in two, condemning them to spend their lives searching for the other half to complete them. She was the other half of his soul. When she left, he couldn't survive.

She kept her promise. She was waiting for him with her arms open wide. They were finally together again.

To the moon and back babe..

"Within you, I lose myself. Without you I find myself wanting to become lost again."
-Anonymous

I can still feel you if I close my eyes really tight. I just wish I could open my eyes and see you next to me. It helps me to fall asleep if I pretend that you are. I know you didn't mean to leave, but it hurts just the same. I can't wait for the day that I can run as fast as I can and jump into your arms. I won't ever want to let go. I dream about that moment. I can see you twirling me around and I can hear all the words we left unspoken when you first went away.

"There is no such word as "loved". Love has no past tense. If you ever stop loving someone, then you never truly loved them in the first place."

And everything in between...

Why do we do this to ourselves? How is it that we can put our entire world and all of our power in the palm of a man? Women today are successful, brilliant, beautiful. Yet half of them are willing to throw it all away to chase a fairytale.
6 years ago this month was the beginning of it all for me. My own demise that I created in the eyes of a 15 year old boy. I had heard all the warnings, I was told to be careful. But like everyone else that has ever believed in love, I wiped my slate clean of any precautions that could have saved me from many, many years of heartache. And now, in my 20's, and I've already given up on it all.

You're the only song I hear in this great wondering mess in my ears.

When is the right time to let someone in? After a week, after 6 dates, after 4 years? When do we really know someone enough to trust that they won't hurt us? I have absolutely no idea how to answer my own questions and when I think about it all I feel so suffocated. But something about this man makes it easy to breathe. I'm not the easiest person to love. I'm timid and insecure sometimes. And sometimes I can be completely out of control. I'm not typically one that likes to be tied down. Even when I feel tied down I'm still keeping my eye out and my options open. But when he is here, I can't see far enough past "us" to even recognize or remember that there is a world outside. It's so strange to be around someone and just be nice to eachother. It is such a different feeling to be appreciated and adored. He let's me laugh over everything and cry over nothing. I tell him what I want to do and he never complains. I walk out of the shower with my hair dripping wet and mascara running down my face and the first thing he does when he see's me is walk up to me, squeeze me tight and tell me how beautiful I am. I don't know what we are doing. I don't know if we are anything at all, but I do know that he is making it easier and easier for me to let my guard down a little more each time I see him.

It's these things that hold you down.

Having a broken heart hurts. But the pain is no better or worse knowing you're breaking someone else's heart. However, when it comes to my life, it's all in my hands. My happiness, my safety...I know better now than to leave my most precious feelings in the hands of someone who won't take care of them.

For all the ones that are true.

This one is for everyone in my life that has shown up for me. Whether it's being the shoulder I can lean on when I'm down, or coming to visit me while I'm stuck in a hospital bed, or even just for loving me.

Thank you for everything that you all have done for me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being there for me whenever I need you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Logic over love means happily never after.

How in the world, as human beings, is it possible for us to disguise every emotion that we have? If we're happy with someone, we're scared to show it because it might come off as "needy". If we aren't happy with someone, we play it off because it's too scary to think of being alone. And when we are alone, no one would ever know how lonely we felt. No wonder communication is the hardest part of relationships. If we could all just show how we felt then there wouldn't be any guessing. And for all of us that do this, what about our partners? They're living their life thinking everything is ok, and then all of the sudden we blind side them and surprise! It's not going to work out. And what about love? When to say it, when not to. I have no problem speaking the words, my problem is actually feeling what those words mean. I have gone through the motions of being in relationships for years. I do what I'm told because I thought that's how it was supposed to be. Of course I know that we are all looking for happiness and our fairytale endings, but I never believed it was real. I thought we were all just supposed to suffice. And when I think about all of my past relationships, especially the one that brought me the closest to marriage, that's exactly what I was doing. Settling. I was never truly, honestly happy nor in love with them. Getting out of the relationship was the only time I ever felt free. And to think I almost changed my name for a man who made me absolutely miserable. But after I got out, my stubborn little self said "screw you" to the lessons I learned the first time around, and thought "hmm, maybe this time..it's actually going to work." Turns out, the joke was on me. So now, this new man has come into my life. He is the kind of man that makes me weak, he makes me laugh, he makes me nervous and excited all at the same time. It's petrifying, yet so enticing. For the first time in my years of pointless dating, I felt something that I think might have resembled "love". But as soon as I let my guard down enough for that feeling to slip in, I hit it right back out into the field and locked my whole heart up again. Surprisingly, he didn't run. He watched me shoot back into my shell faster than he could even get a word in, and he's still standing in front of me waiting patiently for the day I can poke my head out of the turtle shell and give him the opportunity we both know he deserves.

Men, they are my worst enemies and my best friends all at the same time.